A rolling stone gathers no pride!!

Oh, here I go again. Same old, same old .... I lose the plot just a teensy weensy bit, take my eye off the ball and hey ho, off to Binge-dom I go! Why, oh why, oh why! I know it's going to happen, I can see it happening, I'm hauling hand to mouth and it's like I'm having an out-of-body experience, watching myself self-destruct! I just don't get it! Or do it? Is there a finish line flag up ahead? Oh, that could be it! See, as soon as I see a finish line (even a mini one), I tend to turn tail and run. My mother never encouraged me to win anything - in fact, discouragement was her forte - and since I had that lightbulb moment a few years ago and realised that was the reason why I always bottle it at the last hurdle, I've fought and fought and fought, but it still happens.

So I'm in a really shit place right this second! It started Wednesday. Great weigh-in, feeling brilliant about myself, totally on target .......... then I took some time off to go and meet some 12wbt-ers up in London. It was lovely, inspiring, wonderful, had a treat glass of wine (planned and factored in ... no problem) ..... and all super until I got on the train home. I hadn't had dinner, which didn't help, of course - but if I'm completely honest, I probably would've lost the plot anyway. Packet of crisps and a flapjack for the journey home. TELL ME WHY!!!!! If I hadn't bought them, there would've been no option on the train and my world wouldn't have started to crumble. ***** IT!!!, I scream. Because from there, see, there's no going back! I got home and then I had some chocolate.

Thursday .... determined to get back on track. Started off stupidly. I skipped breakfast - thought I'd punish myself for the previous night. I'm never hungry in the morning so this wasn't a big punishment - except that it was stupid!! Went running, did some hill intervals, came home, late lunch and all healthy. Baked cake for kids for snack, because I couldn't afford to buy anything. Guess what! Yep! Bloody gorgeous cake, if I say so myself - had to have a slice .... and then another! Oh, here we go again! At least I had a double workout and went kickboxing. Burned off the cake .... then came home and had MORE CHOCOLATE!!!!

Right! Time to stand back a second and reassess, because this morning .... right now ..... I could easily go to the fridge and binge!! I'm sitting on the ledge and I can feel myself falling. Need to talk. Need to LOOK!  Got so many compliments last week about how I was looking. Felt great at the time ....... but my natural reaction to that is to turn and go backwards, which is what I've done. (Fight it, Amanda!)  Big weekend in Luxembourg coming up next weekend - need to look great .... but that's a 'finish line' so I'm sabotaging (Fight!)  What damage have I done? OK! Wednesday train + chocolate was pretty bad but it was just one day. I can undo that! The interval runs yesterday helped and great lunch. Kickboxing took care of the cake .... so let's see! All that's left to get back on track is to get over the chocolate last night, get to the gym this morning and make TODAY the day when it all levels out again.

Right?? But can I do it? I'm exhausted. I've already been talking myself into staying at home and not gym-ing today because I'm so tired. Then again ............. I'm exhausted because of the crap I've eaten the last two days. Time to suck it up. I'm self-sabotaging. Self-sabotage is NOT the way across the finish line - and one of my biggest goals for 12wbt is to cross some finish lines. Time to JFDI. Let's get the kids to school and get to the gym. Start there.

Thanks for listening. It's not a very interesting post but I had to get this onto paper. Writing helps - and it's helped clear my mind a little. I've re-assessed. I've taken a step back and rationally looked at the exact damage. It CAN be fixed. One step at a time ...

Blogger Challenge - Week 2

Thanks to 12wbt I've decided to give myself a whopping big dose of my own medicine. Many of my clients are sad, depressed, fed up with how they look/feel/think. While I'm listening to them pouring out their thoughts I make a note of them and later I email them with a summary of what's they've told me, more or less in their own words. I ask them to do a simple exercise ... to rewrite the whole paragraph without using 'not' or n't (LOL - yes, I've cottoned on to the cheating!!). In honour of this week's challenge, well, here it is ... my OWN medicine. Time to take a few minutes to spend on 'me'. This is what I need to do ... to allow myself time to concentrate on myself a little. I'm taking up 'me-time'! I'm also thrilled to be back rowing again. I haven't belonged to a gym in a couple of years, but 12wbt suddenly gave me the urge to get back in there - mostly so I could use the erg (rower). I'm really happy to be able to use that evil machine once more. And for the next 12 weeks, I'm also going to give myself the gift of attempting to be proud of myself once in a while for little achievements. 

Now ..... the medicine:

MY OWN MEDICINE - PART 1 : How I'm feeling (the negatives):

This last week couldn't have been worse. It started off relatively stressy and the stress continued to rise and rise. I've felt bitter and angry and downright sorry for myself. In retrospect, I think I could've given any teenager a run for their money with the number of tantrums and tears. I haven't felt like that for a long time. It eats me up inside and I can't do anything about it other than wait it out. I was so excited about 12wbt. I couldn't wait for it to start ... and then I found I couldn't concentrate on it or give it the attention it deserved. Nothing was going right. My February budget ran out. I have NO money - and 6 people to feed. My daughter's shoes have holes in them and it breaks my heart not to be able to buy her new ones. My dog is dying and I can't afford to take her to the vet! Yep! I'm not used to it and it tears me apart. Roll on March! My nutrition has been fine apart from the weekend. I shouldn't have had wine and a second helping of dessert at my brother's house - but nothing was going to stop me. One blow-out - and then my first weigh-in I put on weight. I can't really see how I deserve that, but it happened. There's just no escape sometimes and I can't see the wood for the trees. I hate being 'down' and I don't often feel sorry for myself, so apologies to anyone who's reading this. I hope you've rolled your eyes, given up and gone and made a cup of coffee. There's nothing worse than reading other people's drivel ... which is why I don't do this - ever!! But I promised I'd do what I get my clients to do, so ... now I'm going to turn this around. I have to! I haven't done very well today and it's only 10 a.m. My breakfast is too high in calories so lunch isn't going to consist of much - and let's not mention the dreaded Pilates at 2 p.m. - if I haven't shot myself before then at the very thought of it (just kidding)! 

PART II - MY OWN MEDICINE - A GIFT TO MYSELF (the rewrite):

This last week has been a real challenge. It started off relatively stressy and the stress continued to rise and rise. I've felt bitter and angry and downright sorry for myself. In retrospect, I think I could've given any teenager a run for their money with the number of tantrums and tears. It's been a long time since I felt like that. It eats me up inside because I'm generally such a positive person, but my positive nature tends to help me in these circumstances because I find it so difficult to sit around simply riding out the storm. I have to do something! I was so excited about 12wbt. I was chomping at the bit, waiting for it to start ... and when life throws a curve-ball and distracts me from my main focus, I tumble - because I'm a firm believer that you give everything 200% and anything less is unacceptable, so I was miserable because 12wbt needed all my concentration and deserved every bit of attention, but LIFE was screaming from elsewhere and pulling me away! It's challenging, to say the least, when everything cosy and wonderful starts to go pear-shaped. My February budget ran out. Trying to feed 6 people on zero pounds has been a real lesson in financing - but hey! I've done it so far ... and only 4 more days to go until I can breathe again (if shallowly) ... and the kids are still healthy and smiling and loving my inventiveness!!! That's got to be good, right? My daughter's shoes have holes in them and it breaks my heart to tell her she'll have to wait another couple of weeks for new ones, but this is a good lesson for her! It's got to be positive to learn that the best things in life are those things you have to wait for - even if it's a pair of shoes! I think perhaps this week is teaching her valuable lessons - that money trees lose their leaves sometimes, too - and need rain to be able to grow again! (excuse the crap analogy, but actually, I think that works quite nicely lol). My dog is dying and the vet will have to wait! This is difficult, because she's given us only the most wonderful gift of unconditional love and loyalty and I wonder what this lesson is? I need the lessons, perhaps, but Misty? All I can think is that if she passes away in the next week, then it was meant to be - and she's surrounded by a family who adores her and it will be peaceful. Perhaps it's her time, after all. Roll on March! Now, back to 12wbt ... My nutrition has been fine apart from the weekend. Should I have had wine and a second helping of dessert at my brother's house? I think that as long as I remain completely accountable for it, then why not? I suppose what's wrong with that is that I'm regretting it, so next time - wine and dessert, OK, but without regret. Accountability. Action. Guilt-FREE! Life will happen. One blow-out, however, affected my first weigh-in. I put on weight and felt rubbish, but - as I've said above - it's all about accountability. Moving forwards. Let's do it! There is ALWAYS an escape route. Sometimes it's just difficult to see the wood for the trees, but the sun still shines in the densest of woods, and rain still falls to enable growth.


I hate being 'down' and feeling sorry for myself, so apologies to anyone who's reading this because it IS unlike me. I hope you've rolled your eyes, given up and gone and made a cup of coffee. But perhaps you've got something from this, too. Perhaps you'll also see how your thoughts, feeling and actions affect the thoughts, feelings and actions of everyone around you. This is why I really avoid admitting negativity - because I need people around me to be cheerful and happy. Life is often uncooperative, but I feel that if I'm smiling, at the very least, somebody  somewhere will smile with me. 'Drivel' is a harsh word, perhaps, for an outpouring of stress and tantrums - but maybe that's a good way of looking at it. It makes it less perfect and it makes it more trivial. I like the idea of turning stress and problems into trivia. Wait! Did I say 'problems'? I meant 'challenges'! Yes, that's it! So, you see  ... I promised I'd do what I get my clients to do, so ... and I did - and I've turned everything around. It works! It's now 11.23 and things are looking a lot brighter than they were at 10 a.m., even though my breakfast calories were a bit on the high side! Lunch will have to be light, yes, but that simply means I need to think carefully about the calories and what I'm putting on my plate - it can still be a large portion, so long as it's the right kind of food! Another learning experience. But ohhhhhhhhhh a stumbling block called Pilates! How can I write something positive about Pilates? I would rather have that bullet in the head. But hang on! The sooner I get there, the sooner it'll be over, right? And it IS helping my knees, even if it's killing me brain cell by little brain cell LOL There are, after all, worse things than Pilates. Just imagine DOUBLE PILATES!!!!! :)


For anyone who listened/read/heard .... THANK YOU! But regardless, thank you to Whirlsie of http://nutritionally-yours.blogspot.com/ for this challenge - and for, in effect, giving me this gift.

The day before lift-off

We're nearly there. Now, my initial posts are going to be a tad complicated because I've just switched blog sites and I'm going to bring across all my previous 12wbt posts. Please bear with me! I really hope I'll have this sorted in the next ... well ... couple of hours, actually! Can't start 12wbt without a blog, can I? (I mean ... one that really works!)

So here goes! We're nearly there and I should be asleep right now, saving my strength for tomorrow - THE FITNESS TEST! Argh! But it's got to be done, right? And without a benchmark there's no guide to improvement so it should be exciting, too! Stepping stone No. 1.

I'm ready. I really am. It's only my blog that isn't (fortunately, my blog doesn't have to do a fitness test too!)

OK. Wishing everyone around the world loads of motivation for Day One, Week One, Round One. Have fun and enjoy the first day of a new chapter of this thriller that is your life! Let's do it!