Oh, here I go again. Same old, same old .... I lose the plot just a teensy weensy bit, take my eye off the ball and hey ho, off to Binge-dom I go! Why, oh why, oh why! I know it's going to happen, I can see it happening, I'm hauling hand to mouth and it's like I'm having an out-of-body experience, watching myself self-destruct! I just don't get it! Or do it? Is there a finish line flag up ahead? Oh, that could be it! See, as soon as I see a finish line (even a mini one), I tend to turn tail and run. My mother never encouraged me to win anything - in fact, discouragement was her forte - and since I had that lightbulb moment a few years ago and realised that was the reason why I always bottle it at the last hurdle, I've fought and fought and fought, but it still happens.
So I'm in a really shit place right this second! It started Wednesday. Great weigh-in, feeling brilliant about myself, totally on target .......... then I took some time off to go and meet some 12wbt-ers up in London. It was lovely, inspiring, wonderful, had a treat glass of wine (planned and factored in ... no problem) ..... and all super until I got on the train home. I hadn't had dinner, which didn't help, of course - but if I'm completely honest, I probably would've lost the plot anyway. Packet of crisps and a flapjack for the journey home. TELL ME WHY!!!!! If I hadn't bought them, there would've been no option on the train and my world wouldn't have started to crumble. ***** IT!!!, I scream. Because from there, see, there's no going back! I got home and then I had some chocolate.
Thursday .... determined to get back on track. Started off stupidly. I skipped breakfast - thought I'd punish myself for the previous night. I'm never hungry in the morning so this wasn't a big punishment - except that it was stupid!! Went running, did some hill intervals, came home, late lunch and all healthy. Baked cake for kids for snack, because I couldn't afford to buy anything. Guess what! Yep! Bloody gorgeous cake, if I say so myself - had to have a slice .... and then another! Oh, here we go again! At least I had a double workout and went kickboxing. Burned off the cake .... then came home and had MORE CHOCOLATE!!!!
Right! Time to stand back a second and reassess, because this morning .... right now ..... I could easily go to the fridge and binge!! I'm sitting on the ledge and I can feel myself falling. Need to talk. Need to LOOK! Got so many compliments last week about how I was looking. Felt great at the time ....... but my natural reaction to that is to turn and go backwards, which is what I've done. (Fight it, Amanda!) Big weekend in Luxembourg coming up next weekend - need to look great .... but that's a 'finish line' so I'm sabotaging (Fight!) What damage have I done? OK! Wednesday train + chocolate was pretty bad but it was just one day. I can undo that! The interval runs yesterday helped and great lunch. Kickboxing took care of the cake .... so let's see! All that's left to get back on track is to get over the chocolate last night, get to the gym this morning and make TODAY the day when it all levels out again.
Right?? But can I do it? I'm exhausted. I've already been talking myself into staying at home and not gym-ing today because I'm so tired. Then again ............. I'm exhausted because of the crap I've eaten the last two days. Time to suck it up. I'm self-sabotaging. Self-sabotage is NOT the way across the finish line - and one of my biggest goals for 12wbt is to cross some finish lines. Time to JFDI. Let's get the kids to school and get to the gym. Start there.
Thanks for listening. It's not a very interesting post but I had to get this onto paper. Writing helps - and it's helped clear my mind a little. I've re-assessed. I've taken a step back and rationally looked at the exact damage. It CAN be fixed. One step at a time ...